Dear Dog and/or Cat,
When I say to move, it
means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so
there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the
paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are
mine and contain my food. (Please note, placing a paw print in the
middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming
your food dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
slightest.)
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is
not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am
very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on
the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats
sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary
to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest
extent possible. (I also know that sticking tails straight out and
having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is
nothing but sarcasm.)
My compact discs are not miniature
Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit
from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage
to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine meow, try
to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull
the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. (In
addition, I have been using the bathroom for years...canine or
feline attendance is not mandatory.)
The proper order is
kiss me, then go smell the other dogs or cats. I cannot stress
this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
To
pacify you I have posted the following message on our front
door..... Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain
about our pets:
- They live
here; you don't.
- If you don't
want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture.
- I like my
pet better than I like most people.
- To you it's
an animal. To me he and/or she is an adopted son and/or daughter
who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech
challenged.
Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less,
don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually
come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug
using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the
latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion
dollars for college, and when they have young, you can sell the
results