Mom's Bible Leviticus and
Lamentations
This is a wonderful piece of
work. If you have kids you must read it. If you were a kid you
must read it. If you fall into another category, you can skip
it.
Laws Pertaining to
Dessert
For we judge between the plate that is
unclean and the plate that is clean, saying first, if the
plate is clean, then you shall have dessert.
But of the
unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have eaten most of
your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite
consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six
peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of
your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I
can see, then you shall have dessert.
But if you eat a
lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes, still you
shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the
potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a
small portion thereof.
And if you try to deceive by moving
the potatoes or peas around with a fork, that it may appear
you have eaten what you have not, you will fall into iniquity.
And I will know, and you shall have no dessert.
Laws When at Table
And if
you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a
greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as
they were. Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet
upon the table, for that is an abomination to me.Yes, even
when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon
the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.
Drink
your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils,
nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are
for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off,
you will be sent away.
When you have drunk, let the empty
cup then remain upon the table, and do not bite it upon its
edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make
noises in it sounding like a duck: for you will be sent
away.
When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until
you have swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or
your sister what is within; I say to you, do not so, even if
your brother or your sister has done the same to you.
Eat
your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither
seize the table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the
table to wipe your lips. I say again to you, do not touch it,
but leave it as it is.
And though your stick of carrot does
indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the table,
even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why.
And
though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do
not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do
that, that is why.
Sit just as I have told you, and do not
lean to one side or the other, nor slide down until you are
nearly slid away. Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair
will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I have said,
it has come to pass.
On Screaming
Do not scream;
for it is as if you scream all the time. If you are given a
plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other
are touching each other, your voice rises up even to the
ceiling, while you point to the offense with the finger of
your right hand; but I say to you, scream not, only
remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may
correct the fault.
Likewise if you receive a portion of
fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning has not been
scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you and
steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming.
Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto
death, make not that sound from within your throat, neither
cover your face, nor press your fingers to your nose.
For
even not I have made the fish as it should be; behold, I eat
it myself, yet do not die.
Laws of Forbidden Places
Of the beasts of
the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that
are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living
room.
Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into
burgers, you may eat, but not in the living room.
Of the
cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but
not in the living room.
Of the cereal grains, of the corn
and of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that
are of bright color and unknown provenance you may eat, but
not in the living room.
Of quiescently frozen dessert and
of all frozen after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely
not in the living room.
Of the juices and other beverages,
yes, even of those in sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in
the living room, neither may you carry such therein. Indeed,
when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins,
of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you
drink.
But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching
something, then may you eat in the living
room.
Concerning Face and Hands
Cast your
countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to the
hills, that I may more easily wash you off. For the stains are
upon you; even to the very back of your head, there is rice
thereon.
And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon
the tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are distributed
in a manner wonderful to see.
Only hold yourself still;
hold still, I say. Give each finger in its turn for my
examination thereof, and also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous
they appear. What I do is as it must be; and you shall not go
hence until I have done.
Various Other Laws,
Statutes, and Ordinances
Bite not, lest you be
cast into quiet time. Neither drink of your own bath water,
nor of the bath water of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread,
even if it be in the package; nor rub yourself against cars,
not against any building; nor eat sand.
Leave the cat
alone, for what has the cat done, that you should so afflict
it with tape?
And hum not the humming in your nose as I
read, nor stand between the light and the book. Indeed, you
will drive me to madness. Nor forget what I said about the
tape.
Complaints and
Lamentations
O my children, you are disobedient.
For when I tell you what you must do, you argue and dispute
hotly even to the littlest detail; and when I do not accede,
you cry out, and hit and kick.
Yes, and even sometime do
you spit, and shout "stupid-head" and other blasphemies, and
hit and kick the wall and the molding thereof when you are
sent to the corner.
And though the law teaches that no one
shall be sent to the corner for more minutes than he has years
of age, yet I would leave you there all day, so mighty am I in
anger.
But upon being sent to the corner you ask
straight-away, "Can I come out?" and I reply, "No, you may not
come out." And again you ask, and again I give the same reply.
But when you ask again a third time, then you may come
out.
Hear me, O my children, for the bills they kill
me. I pay and pay again, even to the twelfth time in a year,
and yet again they mount higher than before.
For our
health, that we may be covered, I give six hundred and twenty
talents twelve times in a year; but even this covers not the
fifteen hundred deductible for each member of the family
within a calendar year.
And yet for ordinary visits we
still are not covered, nor for many medicines, nor for the
teeth within our mouths. Guess not at what rage is in my mind,
for surely you cannot know.
For I will come to you at the
first of the month and at the fifteenth of the month with the
bills and a great whining and moan.
And when the month of
taxes comes, I will decry the wrong and unfairness of it, and
mourn and rend my receipts.
And you shall remember that I
am that I am: before, after, and until you are twenty-one.
Hear me then, and avoid me in my wrath, O children of
me.