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THE
WORLD’S STRANGEST
WATCH
“I’m sick and tired of watches,”
grumbled Arty Fishal as he slipped his elegant time piece from
his wrist. “All they ever do is ‘keep’
time. I’d like to see one that would ‘kill’
time. It’s about time someone invented one that
will do that.” “Me too,” chimed in Ditto Marks as
he held up his old reliable. A note of scorn was
in his voice as he sarcastically remarked, “They’re so
demanding, so rigid, so set in their ways and none of their
hands are any good unless backed up with good
works.” “You always have to bring religion into
everything,” said Arty Fishal irritable. “If
you’re trying to suggest that faith has to be backed up with
works, I didn’t know you were that old fashioned.
If you were up-to-date you would know that evil is only a
relative thing---if you think it’s evil, then, it
is. Modern Existentialism destroys sin altogether
by denying it is sin. It’s much more simple than
overcoming it. But how did we get on that
subject? I’m interested in inventing a new watch
that will kill time.”
“Big deal,” chortled Ditto
Marks, “Got any blueprints? If you have…the entire
world will be making a path to your door.” “I know
what I want, and I believe that man can do anything he wants
to do,” said Arty with rising confidence. “It’s
too big to undertake alone. First I’ll call the
greatest Ecclesiastical watch makers in the world together and
try to merge them into one universal company.”
“Very interesting start,” said Ditto Marks. “And
what would you call this universal company?” I
would call it the Ecclesiaticide Watchworks. Their
aim will be to design a watch that’s not dependent on sun
dials or anything related to the old fashioned conceptions of
time. They’ll seek to bring out a watch that can
manipulate time so that it will suit any person in the
world. They’ll not only unify time, but they’ll
control time. It can all be done by changing the
watches,” said Arty arrogantly.
As the
dignitaries began to arrive each one was handed a copy of the
agenda for designing the new watch. Bishop D.
Linquent gave the keynote address. He praised the
men for the great strides they had made in intellectual
intolerance of old fashioned time pieces and for the
magnificent courage they manifested in leading the way to
inventing a watch that would kill time. Dean L.
Oquent replied to the address with a masterful appeal to the
Scriptures based on the text: “That time shall be no
more” From this, he claimed that it was God’s will
to destroy time.
After the preliminaries were
ended, each representative was given the opportunity to state
his remedy for evolving a watch that would kill
time. Dr. Pious Front took the floor and delivered
a paper on “The Worthlessness of the Main Spring in
Watches.” Pious Front contended that the
mainspring was the cause of all watch differences since it had
the peculiar weakness of being run down unless constantly
would up. In his opinion the way to kill time
would be to delete the main spring and accordingly he moved
that main springs be omitted from Ecclesiasticide
Watches. The motion was immediately seconded by
Sank T. Monious, and carried.
Reverend Dim View
was the next speaker with a long exposition of “the
uselessness of the Balance Wheel.” Mr. Dim View
vehemently declared that as far as he could see, there was no
earthly reason for retaining this wobbly affair.
He said further that all it did was to just teeter back and
forth without going anywhere and without doing anything, but
consume power. In a high pitched voice he shouted.
“Let’s get rid of it.” Although everybody knew
that Dim View was almost blind, no one challenged his
statement which amounted to, “As far as I can see, I can’t see
very far,” but since no one could suggest a better
synchronized balance wheel, it was agreed in the interests of
unity that the balance wheel be
discarded.
Reverend Fann C. Full rose to his full
stature, cleared his throat with august authority, and then
proceeded to ask the obvious question, “Why the
gears?” His appeal was to replace all gears and
wheels with an electronic device controlled by the
Ecclesiasticide Watch Factory. This he asserted
would not only insure uniform time, but would manipulate the
control of time. Since more important things had
already been discarded, there was no objection to the deletion
of these parts. Arty Fishal was jubilant at the
way things were progressing up to this point.
The
final address was delivered by Bishop Gotta
Tinkermore. He brought to their attention that the
only thing left to rectify was the case. He
reasoned that since all the works had been discarded, it was
only logical to alter the dial as well. He
suggested that it would be a great stride toward achieving
their goal if the dial carried a picture of their
Ecclesiasticide Headquarters with the two hands painted on the
dial in such a manner as to always remind the owner who
controls time. “In this way, we can kill time by
making it irrelevant,” declared Gotta Tinkermore, in solemn
tones.
Arty Fishal was radiantly
happy. Ditto Marks leaped to his feet and asked
the gathering if they had thought of a name to call the
movement in the newly fashioned watch. “Indeed we
have, replied President M. T. Hollowness, to the
assembly. “This watch will have a new Ecumenical
Movement in it. Time will henceforth be a relative
thing, and in a sense quite unimportant. It’s most
essential that we all be the same and this can only be
achieved by having it manipulated by the authorities at
headquarters.”
As a result of this final official
pronouncement, people all over the world began to discard
their old fashioned watches and replace them with sparkling
new ones fitted with the universal Wreckumenical
Movement. All the jewels were gone since they were
superfluous in the absence of gears. At last it
seemed that time had been conquered. People would
just ignore it and since the new watches never reminded them
of it, they would soon forget it entirely.
One
day when a chap named Wanna B. Verysure was reading his Bible,
he found the place where it says, “To everything there is a
season, and a TIME to every purpose under heaven…a time to
die.” Wanna looked at his watch and again noted
the picture of the headquarters so he decided he would go
there and seek further instructions. As he entered
the door he was agreeably surprised to thin his cousin
Cocksure among the receptionists. Cocksure stepped
forward and with professional politeness, “May I help
you? Is there anything you want to know for
sure?” Wanna B. Verysure replied, “Yes, I have
just learned that there is a time to die, and since the Bible
says, ‘Prepare to meet thy God,’ I would like some spiritual
guidance.” The politeness seems to vanish from
Cocksure’s face as he curtly responded with, “We did away with
that time long ago---how out-of-date can you
get?”
Somewhat abashed, Verysure continued, “But
is it not true that the Deity of Jesus Christ is the
mainspring of Christianity? Can you not tell me
how to believe in Him since the Bible says, ‘Now is the day of
Salvation!’ “But,” retorted cocksure, “we have done away
with the mainspring because it wasn’t important
anyway.” Verysure became more determined to find
out what was going on. He asked, “I would like to
know how you can operate an Ecclesiastical Plant without the
Holy Spirit for the Balance Wheel. Instead of
killing time, is I not possible that you will kill the
churches?” Cocksure was becoming more and more
irritated. He crisply corrected Verysure that it
was the Ecclestasticide Watchworks and not an Ecclesiastical
Plant. “We operate on the prmise that ‘God is
dead.’ On that basis we need no balance wheel
because we have set up an “Ego-centric Committee” to kill
time.” “And just who is this Ego-centric
Committee? Is time in capable hands?”
queried Verysure. “We have the very finest
personnel. The head of the committee is none other
than Bishop Vague and he is assisted by Pat Answers and Platty
Tudes,” said Cocksure confidently.
“Just one more
question and I’ll be on my way,” said Wanna B.
Verysure. If you can change or destroy time by
painting the hands on the dial, why can’t you change or do
away with the wind, by truning the weather vane or by painting
a weather vane on the barn? It is not true that
Christians need the Word of God as much as a watch needs a
dial? Have you not cheapened the watch by tossing
out its precious jewels? A watch without jewels is
like a Bible without its sparkling precious
promises. And have you not impaired the usefulness
of a watch when its movement has no power to move its
hands?”
Rev. M. T. Hollowness, the president of
the Ecclesiasticide Watchworks happened to be passing by and
he overheard Wann B. Veryshre’s incisive
questions. He turned sternly and said, “It’s time,
young man, that you take another good look where the hands on
your dial are pointing. The great majority of
people have decided to scrap the works in old fashioned
watches. They’re gone. All gone! We
are all agreed. And now, you
begone.”
Wanna turned and murmured, “All agreed,
but all wrong…”On his way home he decided to check his watch
at the dial of the Sun of Righteousness. He was
startled to find the hands pointing in the opposite direction
from which they should, so he tossed the watch
away. He mused that, “The things that are eternal
can never be out of date.” Picking up his Bible he
read, “Jesus Christ, the same, yesterday, today and
forever.” Heb 13:8. “How strangely
inferior, inadequate and impotent are the inventions of man
compared with the plan of God,” mused Verysure. “How
comforting it is to know that, “My times are in His hands.”
Psa. 31:15.
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