THE WORLD’S STRANGEST WATCH     


 
“I’m sick and tired of watches,” grumbled Arty Fishal as he slipped his elegant time piece from his wrist.   “All they ever do is ‘keep’ time.   I’d like to see one that would ‘kill’ time.   It’s about time someone invented one that will do that.”   “Me too,” chimed in Ditto Marks as he held up his old reliable.   A note of scorn was in his voice as he sarcastically remarked, “They’re so demanding, so rigid, so set in their ways and none of their hands are any good unless backed up with good works.”   “You always have to bring religion into everything,” said Arty Fishal irritable.   “If you’re trying to suggest that faith has to be backed up with works, I didn’t know you were that old fashioned.   If you were up-to-date you would know that evil is only a relative thing---if you think it’s evil, then, it is.   Modern Existentialism destroys sin altogether by denying it is sin.   It’s much more simple than overcoming it.   But how did we get on that subject?   I’m interested in inventing a new watch that will kill time.”
 
“Big deal,” chortled Ditto Marks, “Got any blueprints?   If you have…the entire world will be making a path to your door.”   “I know what I want, and I believe that man can do anything he wants to do,” said Arty with rising confidence.   “It’s too big to undertake alone.   First I’ll call the greatest Ecclesiastical watch makers in the world together and try to merge them into one universal company.”   “Very interesting start,” said Ditto Marks.   “And what would you call this universal company?”   I would call it the Ecclesiaticide Watchworks.   Their aim will be to design a watch that’s not dependent on sun dials or anything related to the old fashioned conceptions of time.   They’ll seek to bring out a watch that can manipulate time so that it will suit any person in the world.   They’ll not only unify time, but they’ll control time.   It can all be done by changing the watches,” said Arty arrogantly.
 
As the dignitaries began to arrive each one was handed a copy of the agenda for designing the new watch.   Bishop D. Linquent gave the keynote address.   He praised the men for the great strides they had made in intellectual intolerance of old fashioned time pieces and for the magnificent courage they manifested in leading the way to inventing a watch that would kill time.   Dean L. Oquent replied to the address with a masterful appeal to the Scriptures based on the text: “That time shall be no more”   From this, he claimed that it was God’s will to destroy time.
 
After the preliminaries were ended, each representative was given the opportunity to state his remedy for evolving a watch that would kill time.   Dr. Pious Front took the floor and delivered a paper on “The Worthlessness of the Main Spring in Watches.”   Pious Front contended that the mainspring was the cause of all watch differences since it had the peculiar weakness of being run down unless constantly would up.   In his opinion the way to kill time would be to delete the main spring and accordingly he moved that main springs be omitted from Ecclesiasticide Watches.   The motion was immediately seconded by Sank T. Monious, and carried.
 
Reverend Dim View was the next speaker with a long exposition of “the uselessness of the Balance Wheel.”   Mr. Dim View vehemently declared that as far as he could see, there was no earthly reason for retaining this wobbly affair.   He said further that all it did was to just teeter back and forth without going anywhere and without doing anything, but consume power.   In a high pitched voice he shouted. “Let’s get rid of it.”   Although everybody knew that Dim View was almost blind, no one challenged his statement which amounted to, “As far as I can see, I can’t see very far,” but since no one could suggest a better synchronized balance wheel, it was agreed in the interests of unity that the balance wheel be discarded.
 
Reverend Fann C. Full rose to his full stature, cleared his throat with august authority, and then proceeded to ask the obvious question, “Why the gears?”   His appeal was to replace all gears and wheels with an electronic device controlled by the Ecclesiasticide Watch Factory.   This he asserted would not only insure uniform time, but would manipulate the control of time.   Since more important things had already been discarded, there was no objection to the deletion of these parts.   Arty Fishal was jubilant at the way things were progressing up to this point.
 
The final address was delivered by Bishop Gotta Tinkermore.   He brought to their attention that the only thing left to rectify was the case.   He reasoned that since all the works had been discarded, it was only logical to alter the dial as well.   He suggested that it would be a great stride toward achieving their goal if the dial carried a picture of their Ecclesiasticide Headquarters with the two hands painted on the dial in such a manner as to always remind the owner who controls time.   “In this way, we can kill time by making it irrelevant,” declared Gotta Tinkermore, in solemn tones.
 
Arty Fishal was radiantly happy.   Ditto Marks leaped to his feet and asked the gathering if they had thought of a name to call the movement in the newly fashioned watch.   “Indeed we have, replied President M. T. Hollowness, to the assembly.   “This watch will have a new Ecumenical Movement in it.   Time will henceforth be a relative thing, and in a sense quite unimportant.   It’s most essential that we all be the same and this can only be achieved by having it manipulated by the authorities at headquarters.”
 
As a result of this final official pronouncement, people all over the world began to discard their old fashioned watches and replace them with sparkling new ones fitted with the universal Wreckumenical Movement.   All the jewels were gone since they were superfluous in the absence of gears.   At last it seemed that time had been conquered.   People would just ignore it and since the new watches never reminded them of it, they would soon forget it entirely.
 
One day when a chap named Wanna B. Verysure was reading his Bible, he found the place where it says, “To everything there is a season, and a TIME to every purpose under heaven…a time to die.”   Wanna looked at his watch and again noted the picture of the headquarters so he decided he would go there and seek further instructions.   As he entered the door he was agreeably surprised to thin his cousin Cocksure among the receptionists.   Cocksure stepped forward and with professional politeness, “May I help you?   Is there anything you want to know for sure?”   Wanna B. Verysure replied, “Yes, I have just learned that there is a time to die, and since the Bible says, ‘Prepare to meet thy God,’ I would like some spiritual guidance.”   The politeness seems to vanish from Cocksure’s face as he curtly responded with, “We did away with that time long ago---how out-of-date can you get?”
 
Somewhat abashed, Verysure continued, “But is it not true that the Deity of Jesus Christ is the mainspring of Christianity?   Can you not tell me how to believe in Him since the Bible says, ‘Now is the day of Salvation!’  “But,” retorted cocksure, “we have done away with the mainspring because it wasn’t important anyway.”   Verysure became more determined to find out what was going on.   He asked, “I would like to know how you can operate an Ecclesiastical Plant without the Holy Spirit for the Balance Wheel.   Instead of killing time, is I not possible that you will kill the churches?”   Cocksure was becoming more and more irritated.   He crisply corrected Verysure that it was the Ecclestasticide Watchworks and not an Ecclesiastical Plant.   “We operate on the prmise that ‘God is dead.’   On that basis we need no balance wheel because we have set up an “Ego-centric Committee” to kill time.”   “And just who is this Ego-centric Committee?   Is time in capable hands?”  queried Verysure.   “We have the very finest personnel.   The head of the committee is none other than Bishop Vague and he is assisted by Pat Answers and Platty Tudes,” said Cocksure confidently.
 
“Just one more question and I’ll be on my way,” said Wanna B. Verysure.   If you can change or destroy time by painting the hands on the dial, why can’t you change or do away with the wind, by truning the weather vane or by painting a weather vane on the barn?   It is not true that Christians need the Word of God as much as a watch needs a dial?   Have you not cheapened the watch by tossing out its precious jewels?   A watch without jewels is like a Bible without its sparkling precious promises.   And have you not impaired the usefulness of a watch when its movement has no power to move its hands?”
 
Rev. M. T. Hollowness, the president of the Ecclesiasticide Watchworks happened to be passing by and he overheard Wann B. Veryshre’s incisive questions.   He turned sternly and said, “It’s time, young man, that you take another good look where the hands on your dial are pointing.   The great majority of people have decided to scrap the works in old fashioned watches.   They’re gone. All gone!   We are all agreed.   And now, you begone.”
 
Wanna turned and murmured, “All agreed, but all wrong…”On his way home he decided to check his watch at the dial of the Sun of Righteousness.   He was startled to find the hands pointing in the opposite direction from which they should, so he tossed the watch away.   He mused that, “The things that are eternal can never be out of date.”   Picking up his Bible he read, “Jesus Christ, the same, yesterday, today and forever.”   Heb 13:8.   “How strangely inferior, inadequate and impotent are the inventions of man compared with the plan of God,” mused Verysure.  “How comforting it is to know that, “My times are in His hands.” Psa. 31:15.


 

  



 

 

Back To Jerry's Parables And Short Stories