The Family's Together, Let the Fireworks
Begin!
Dear Everybody,
Well, it's
that time again! Your Uncle and I are really looking
forward to having all of you over to celebrate the annual
"Family Fourth of July Weekend." We know it'll be a super time
just like always.
Cause you
want to have as much fun as we do, we're positive you won't
mind if we send you a couple little rules we wrote down just
to make sure everything goes right. (Uncle says I'm getting so
organized in my old age!) And don't worry, you don't have to
memorize them! We're sticky-taping a copy in every room, so
you'll have them handy all weekend long.
Rule Number
1: No substitutions. If you say you're bringing it, bring it.
It's nice we've got such versatile cooks in the family, but we
can't hardly plan a menu if there's all this back and forth on
who's doing what. The way Uncle says it is: "One
barbecue-and-marshmallow salad is a treat. Eleven's a
bellyache." A word to the wise...
Rule Number
2: First you cook it, then you serve it. True, it means lots
of standing up spooning out your particular whatsis, but
that's the best we could figure out considering everything. I
know it was only an accident when Cousin Chartruse knocked
Cousin Ron's Fried Apricot And Onion Dip Delite right off the
buffet table last year, but Cousin Rondelle reminded me while
we were mopping up that it was the third year in a row Cousin
Chartruse had that exact same accident. I don't care
who came up with the recipe first --
better safe than sorry.
Rule Number
3: Little pitchers have big ears. It's great to catch up on
family news, but sometimes we forget who's listening. I'm not
just talking about you, Cousin Sizzlene, so don't take it
personal, although maybe those stories about your exciting new
career as an "interpretive dancer" and short-order masseuse
can wait till we've got Wynken, Blynken and Norm tucked in for
the night, OK?
Rule Number
4: No riding the goat. Mr. Billy's not as strong as he used to
be, and lots of us aren't quite as light as we used to be.
(Hint, hint.) Everybody had a passel of laughs that time when
Uncle Fulsom and Miss Louisa Mavis rode him around the
backyard all afternoon, but I sure didn't see anybody kicking
in afterwards for Mr. Billy's hip replacement. (It
was not cheap!) If I have to pick who's skinny
enough and who's not, it's only going to embarrass some
people.
Rule Number
5: No politics! Everyone knows Uncle Graham thinks Ronald
Reagan was the greatest thing since Cheez Whiz, and everyone
knows Cousin Bip thinks Uncle Graham is full of beans, about
that and everything else. They've been trying to budge one
another forever and the only thing they get is more worked up.
(We were weeks getting that pickle relish out of the rug last
year.) Uncle and I have are tired of it, and we've
decided: there isn't a politician anywhere worth a single
broken dish. So behave yourselves!
Rule Number
6: A little respect for our elders. Fourth of July weekend
wouldn't be the same without Grandpa Wyatt's speech "What
America Means To Me." Now personally, I think Grandpa Wyatt's
speech gets better every year, not just longer. Even if he
sometimes gets distracted, what's the harm? (If he hadn't
mentioned it, would you ever have known George Washington used
special laser rays from Saturn to keep his wooden teeth shiny
at Valley Forge?)
Grandma Ruby
Lu promises she'll try to keep him down to two hours. (We'll
see.) No matter: there'll be no more bottle throwing or
anything else. The man is doing his
best! Also, he doesn't see so well anymore -- one
of these days, somebody'll hit him smack in the head, and then
what?
Special Rule
Number 7: We'll light the fuses. The absolute
highlight of the " Family Fourth of July Weekend" is the "
Family Fireworks Show." Your Uncle is very proud of putting
everything together to go off at exactly the right time in
exactly the right place.
But the right
time is after sundown when everybody's expecting it, not at
dinnertime in the middle of grace. And the right place is over
the shed, not under the cat. Poor Mr.
Whiskers was so shook up last year, it took us a whole week to
get him off the roof. We still can't make popcorn without him
going crazy on us.
Anyway,
that's all the rules we've come up with so far. It isn't a
whole lot where family's concerned.
See you real
soon!
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Haven n Tell Fourth Of July
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